Tag Archives: parenting

I’m lost….

Does anyone else loose themselves in parenting? I have been so unmotivated, so in my head lately. I haven’t mopped our floors in 2 or 3 weeks, I can’t remember which. I used to like to do things, craft, DIY, house stuff. I was always working on some kind of project, or working on me, eating right, getting in shape, something.

05-lost-path-daz3d…….Lately I feel lost, unmotivated, and sad.

All it takes is a unkind word from my mother or mother in law… or both. I’m tired from work. Work has been really tough lately, a lot of changes and making me think “what do I want to do with my life?” I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom, right now it’s not possible for me but I keep dreaming, trying to find a way and lately it’s really been weighing me down.

I know it’s a phase, just like little bear phases come and go but I really can’t stand my phases of ….. well I guess it’s a little bit of depression.

Well, if anyone is out there reading, can relate, or has tips/tricks to help me I’m all ears.


The Best Day

Here I am, sitting at a breakfast place by myself. Enjoying HOT coffee and a very cheery waiter. I took a mental health day. I’m off from work and little bear is at the sitters. This is something I haven’t done since he was born.

Although that’s not the best day…. I know. Right? Yesterday was the best day. That’s right folks, day lights savings and a parade. Somehow we were so lucky that little bear slept late, was happy, we decided to press our luck and go to the St. Patrick’s Day parade. After all it was going to be right in the middle of nap time. But because of the time change I wasn’t sure what time that would be. We met up with friends, and my son was an ANGEL. No fussing, no crying, not moving from his seat. He was so entertained by the bustling resturant and then when we went outside for the parade he loved every min of it. He wasn’t even afraid of the fire trucks. Also someone gave him a balloon which was his new best friend.

My friends little girl however, she was melt down city. My, “oh my daughter never acts up or does that” friend. The one who says her daughter is a model kid every day of her life. (Silent smirk of validation)

When we got home little bear wouldn’t sleep. He was so hyped from the trucks and mummers he couldn’t possibly sleep. He kept telling us all about the parade. Running over “biiig beep beeps!” While my husband and I were waiting for the other shoe to drop….. it didn’t. My love stayed bright and happy and shiny right up until bed time. Then at 7pm, on the dot he kissed my husband and I took him up to bed. Not a peep, no fussing, crying, or waking in the night. It was the BEST DAY. I don’t know what we did to deserve this but I am beyond greatful we got to spend a memorable day as a family. It’s one of the best days we have had as a family.

Now I will eat my pancakes….. hot and alone.

Raising a Man

We are all aware of the political climate, and with that as a parent I have to wonder. Can I still raise a confident, successful, male? I feel like MALE is the new four letter word. Reserved for the most repugnant of species. MAN….. MAN…. MEN rule the world. MEN hold women down. MALE vs. female. I feel it too, I feel the need to speak up and stand strong to raise up my voice with my fellow women.

….. but  I have a SON.

I have an adorable, sensitive, loving, sweet boy.

I worry, I worry that trying to raise a strong willed, independent man in today’s world is getting a little bit harder. After all my son hasn’t said anything sexist, hasn’t raped anyone, hasn’t sexually assaulted or harassed anyone.  Just writing the words make me feel sick. Today raising good boys to be great Men, who do amazing things comes with a price. We are telling them through our protests and our marches that they should feel guilty, they should feel terrible for the things history has done to women. They are saddled with the burden and guilt of the men that came before them.

With change comes awareness, our boys need to see us being strong and aspire to be strong with us, to defend us because they believe in us not because we are defenseless. They should also try and take over the world just as girls should try and take over the world. (by world I mean their world, wherever they find the passion that drives them) And once they get into position help others up, male, female, transgender. I will teach my son not to see people for their parts, but the sum of their parts. WHO it is not WHAT.

The road is long between boy and MAN, and I hope I can raise an independent thinker who believes in everyone’s rights but will still fight for his own. Every PERSON deserves every opportunity and shouldn’t apologize for seizing the day. My son deserves a woman who will fight for his rights just as he will someday fight for the rights of others. Even if it’s just a small fight, stopping a bully, saying something toward workplace discrimination. Those small fights win the bigger battles. I can’t just raise a man, I have to raise an aware man…. I have a long road ahead of me…..


I’m Excited for…..

When you become a parent you can’t help but think back to your own childhood and think about things you want to do and things you don’t want to do like your parents. My mother did silly things with us when we were little, we had tea parties and built forts. She would let us get muddy and gross and sleep in the backyard in the summer. She also didn’t want us to grow up, would hold us back, wouldn’t let us get too far or tell us we weren’t ready/ good enough. It’s not that she wasn’t a good mom, she was just afraid. Afraid we would leave and be successful and not be around anymore. This is something that has stunted me in my adult life, shaped decisions I have made, and caused me to waste so many of my adult years. I WILL NOT REPEAT THIS BEHAVIOR.

I’m excited for my little  bear. I want him to try, fail, and try again.I’ll prop him up and encourage him. I’ll tell him he can be anything and do anything. If he wants to be a doctor one min. and a snowboarder the next I’ll help guide him. I’ll call in any and all favors to get him to his goal. I’ll be his biggest advocate because children CAN DO anything. If he wants to be a garbage man I’ll support it. (hopefully he is a little more ambitious) But that is not up to me, it’s up to him. If you do something you love then you’ll never work a day in your life. Coming from someone who has worked EVERY … SINGLE… DAY…. I see the immense value in following your dreams. Do the things, move to California, backpack across the globe if that’s what moves you little bear. I may shed a tear but I’ll never hold you back. I believe (like most parents) that my child is meant for greatness, and greatness comes in all shapes and sizes.

I’m excited to watch him grow and learn, because people are individuals and guided into the people they are. This is one reason I’m glad I had a baby after my 20’s, 20 something me would feel the need to control. Now, understanding life a little more and being able to view situations with a little less reactive energy I can’t wait to see what he wants to be, how he wants to grow, and what he CAN achieve.

Mom is the loneliest number

Let’s talk about Mom isolation. Some women have it and some are lucky enough to have a big group of mom and non-mom friends. Some (like me) had a big group of friends, the single/ newly married/ barely has our s*it together and expendable income group. Then as our lives progressed some people made it and some didn’t. My best friend of 17 years went off the reservation. She was having issues in her marriage and it turns out that misery hates happy people. She turned on me, she said some very nasty things about me to others and basically it boiled down to she didn’t think I deserved to be happy when her marriage was falling apart. I decided to walk away from a relationship that was a major part of my life. I had known her for more than half of my lifetime, she was the reason I was happily married and getting ready to start a family. But sometimes people are toxic, your best people are going through things and will drag you down and watch you burn to make themselves feel better. I learned to accept her for who she was but couldn’t accept her inability to be happy for me. I would have supported her no matter what and kept all of her dirty little secrets had she just supported me. So, I walked away….

When I chose myself, my own marriage,and my own happiness I lost my group. Now looking back I realize that they weren’t great friends to begin with if they were so easily removed from my life without so much as a phone call but still I found myself alone. Happy with my husband and life and it was freeing.

Once I had my little bear I realized how much I missed having friends. I don’t know too many people with children, so I don’t have a great mom support group. The friends I do have are single/ married/ still get to go to happy hour friends and I love them but I rarely can relate to their lives or see them unless I move mountains. So while I know I have people, I miss having my person. As Moms (and Dads) we put everyone and everything first. Not having a support system makes things that much harder.

What to do? I have decided that I will not seek a friend, or try and replace the relationship I had. What I will do is seek a group of people. Maybe take a class, join a social group, or put myself out on a social platform and start my own excursions. I’ll find the people who are feeling the same way, a different way, or just looking to branch out and we will feel united and not so alone.


I see you

We are currently going through the 18 month sleep regression. I’m thrown into flashbacks of newbornness… newbornhood…. the 7th circle of hell. The time when I was trying to recover from delivering a 9lb., no sleep, poop machine. Trying to breastfeed every 40 min because he was insatiable. High energy, high needs, trying to get a grip on my hormones, and my body.

You feel like a failure, every min. of every day. Nothing feels right.

You aren’t overwhelmed with joy, everyone said you would be…. where is the joy?

Maybe you’re alone, or maybe your husband has escaped for the 10th time today to the store because he can’t cope with the crying. You or the baby.

I see you, I’ve been there. You feel hopeless, hoping you will feel something, hoping that all of a sudden the new baby you waited so long for will connect with you.

Maybe you have no support system, maybe you can’t bring yourself to say the words out loud to someone. I’m here, and I see you.

I’ve been the mom wondering if they made a horrible mistake, if I was going to ruin a perfectly good human being. I cried, the baby cried, and I cried some more.

Being scared that something is wrong with my baby, there must be something wrong for him to be so miserable all of the time. But the Dr. just looked at me and said “you had a baby what do you expect”

I was on the verge of PPD, so close to not being able to get out of bed, not move, not feel any affection toward my new perfect little boy. No one understood, my mother said “he must be autistic or something I’ve never seen a new born act like this”. Thanks for that mom.

My neighbor told me about how she and her daughter didn’t connect right away. She struggled with what she thought motherhood should look like and what they actually had. When sbearspolarmotherandbabyhe shared that small tidbit with me I felt a weight come off my shoulders. There was nothing wrong with my baby. He wasn’t autistic (and even if he was we would still love him to pieces) I tried to remember that phases come and go and eventually this too would pass. And it did, life gets better and you will bond, you will grow together. Things get easier, and then harder again, and then easier. So, being in the middle of the 18 month sleep regression I’m not as reactive, I remember the dark days, the hardest days and remember that we will get through this. All together, as a family.

If you feel like you need to talk to someone about PPD, or if you feel like you might need to speak with someone because you’re scared of the place you’re in mentally or physically do it. Get the support, don’t wait, phone a friend, talk to a neighbor, priest, lady at the supermarket. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, you should never feel alone. http://www.postpartum.net/






For Real:Breast Feeding

I was talking with my husband this weekend and realized that it had been 1 year since I stopped breast feeding little bear. I was able to do it for a little over 6 months before work/ life/ and my body got in the way and we had to switch to formula. My body knew the difference between a pump and a human so I couldn’t stock up. Looking back on that time of our lives I wish the lactation consultant, breast feeding class and other moms told me the following.

  1. There is no schedule. 3 hours in between feedings is not possible, my son fed every 40 min. As in feed for almost 1 hour, 40 min break and then back to the boob!
  2. Lanolin is your friend, it works and will save your poor abused nipples.
  3. In the beginning it hurts. “They” say it wont but it does, your body has to get used to it. (not to be confused with the pinching sensation of a poor latch)
  4. Some women (ahem, me) dry up like the Sahara. My poor husband, he put up with no sex for almost a year waiting for my body’s hormones to balance out and start to function again. There are alternatives and I kept him as happy as possible but sex hurt. Even with lubricant, it hurt a lot.
  5. You will loose the baby weight faster by breast feeding. But then, like magic, your body knows you’ve stopped breast feeding and you gain weight. I gained almost 10 lbs. and the ONLY thing that changed was breast feeding.
  6. When you finish breast feeding your boobs may look like deflated balloons that were left out days after the party ended. Please don’t loose hope, it took 7 months but the girls have regained most of their shape.
  7. You will be camel level thirsty after a 3 day hike through aforementioned Sahara  when that little one latches on so make sure you have a drink. They did say to make sure you have fluids to hydrate with but they didn’t tell me the intense thirst you would feel as soon as that babe latches on, and then it’s too late to get a drink.
  8. I grew to love breast feeding, and had anxiety when it was time to stop. Don’t let the mom guilt get you. It’s ok, it gets easier so cry if you must but your little one will thrive.
  9. Personally while my body was adjusting and my hormones were kicking back in after weaning I broke out in HORRIBLE acne. I’ve never had it before and this was painful, and severe.
  10. Remember, no matter how to feed your baby, you’re feeding them. You love them and it’s going to be OK. BREATHE~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         ***These are my personal experiences, not meant to encompass the whole population. If you didn’t experience these things, I’m super excited for you.